Travel has always been a source of learning for me. However, the journey that constantly brings me a plethora of learning is the journey within.
Over the last few years, I have started reading a lot of books on behavioral psychology, understanding emotions, and getting the why of everything I feel or do. A lot of what I write comes from this personal journey of understanding my own emotions. If you are liking what I am writing then please subscribe. It does motivate me to write every week.
So this week, I came across an interesting podcast on 'Understanding Emotions' by Sankalp Garud. I started with his podcast on 'Happiness' as this topic always interest me. But then there was another that caught my attention - 'Why being nice is unhealthy?'
Before you jump to any conclusion, the concept of being nice doesn't equate to the concept of being good. What makes a difference is our intention behind that behavior.
I certainly was that nice person. I did a lot of things just to be nice. I never said NO to anyone, took hardships to make the other person feel comfortable while suffering personally, did some extra work for free, rarely disagreed with anyone, and much more. But eventually, all these things that I did for being nice brought a lot of pain to myself. I was fearful of saying no as I thought it would make me less nice. This podcast helped me to systematically understand why I was doing all of the above to be nice.
I think most of who we become come from how we have been conditioned in our childhood. A lot of our so-called being nice theory comes from the fear that was ingrained in us during our childhood. In my case, I was fearful that getting the second rank would make me less nice for my teachers and parents. My identity was all about being the first rank holder and that's how I perceived myself to be nice. I probably related being nice by studying more, never arguing with anyone, playing less, and getting the first rank. I perceived from my surroundings that I would be accepted only when I would get the first rank. I was not studying out of curiosity but because I was conveyed that getting good grades would get me a better job and that would make me a nice person. Nobody conveyed me that time that I would be loved and valued even when I would not get the first rank. And with this being said I don't want to make the people around me responsible for this been done intentionally but maybe they were not trained enough on these aspects. I believe most of us go thru this same conditioning.
It took me a lot of time to understand that I can still be nice by saying NO to some people, disagreeing and putting my thoughts across, not equating self-love to being selfish, and openly asking my clients to pay for any extra work if it needs some extra hours of mine. This understanding didn't come in a day rather it took me years to get away from low self-esteem and believe that I am enough and I should never do some things just to get accepted or to be nice. I think a big part of my learning is the ability to say NO and not feel bad about it. And I am still learning :)
Here is what Sankalp says, "The opposite of niceness is not evil but its authenticity." He gives appropriate examples to understand it better. So do listen and subscribe to his podcast (link at the end) if you could connect with what he is sharing. It could be our way to say thank you to a human being who is putting his efforts to help us in understanding emotions.
As always, I would love to hear your experiences so do connect in whichever way you feel comfortable.
NOTE: This article is my personal understanding of this topic. You can always refer to the original podcast to understand it better. Listen on Spotify/iTunes/RSS
Very interesting idea. I have always struggled to convey to people that I mean well even when I am saying NO. Though I must warn against the tendency to feel that "not nice" means "rude" !
Hey! Thanks for writing this article, and sharing the podcast. It’s amazing to see you take the content from the podcast, and apply it to your life! Keep listening and sharing :)