It's never easy to leave

A well-paid job in your hometown with a pick-and-drop facility. A boss who gives you the liberty to try new things. A team to get the work done. You are a rising star employee. You got promoted from an executive level to a managerial level in just six months of your joining. 

You would say, WOW! What a perfect life! I too felt so in the initial two years of my job but after that everything started falling apart. Something within me was not at all happy with the job. I started feeling that I am trapped in. 

I remember messaging my father one day from my office that I want to leave my job. His reply was similar to what a typical middle-class father would say, Shaadi ho jane do phir toh change karna hi hoga (Get married and you will anyway have to change it after that). This happened somewhere around Dec 2012. I was shattered that day but I also knew where his thoughts were coming from. My father always wanted all three of us (me, my sister and brother) to be self-dependent and have tried hard to make sure that we are educated well. He has seen me working from the day I completed my school. He knew that I can't sit idle and leaving a job at the time when he wanted me to get married in a family that would respect my identity, would turn things in a totally wrong way. I can somehow understand this now but at that very moment, I felt like I have nobody to fall back on. 

I remember how I used to get anxious when the office cab came to pick me every morning. I felt like a small child who would cry her heart out to not go to school. Obviously, those tears were visible only to me and my heart. For the outer world, my world was more than perfect. I used to come back somewhere around 9 PM with severe headaches. I was unable to sleep for many nights and had no courage to wake up every morning. One night when I was not able to sleep for the whole night I gathered all my courage to resign. I started my office computer the next day and wrote a resignation letter without asking my family. I knew the resignation won't be accepted very easily and I was asked to take a break for a month. 

I was not sure whether I would go back to the job but I was not even sure what I could do more. I sat at my home, read a few books, and even opened a saree boutique with my sister. After 15-20 days, some changes in the office needed my presence. I thought I would go for some days and then I will leave finally. But those few days continued for 6 months because I was not able to figure out what I could do and more than that I felt that my family was always watching me and silently asking me what the hell are you doing with your life. I had no answers again. But for everyone around me, this was the ideal life. 

I continued working but my heart was not happy. I was not able to concentrate on my work. Something within me was urging for freedom. I felt claustrophobic with my own thoughts. I also started feeling that I am not able to give my 100% to my work. I quit again with a promise that I won't join again. I didn't know what I wanted to do but I was sure that I just can't continue with this job or any other job for some time. I imagined my worst-case scenario and that was that if I couldn't figure out this time then I have to join some other job and try that out. I still remember my father’s expression when I came with a bouquet on my last day. I finally told him that I have quit my job. 

Sometimes knowing what you don't want is also the step to figure out what you actually want. I wanted FREEDOM. I wanted to be busy at my own choice. I wanted to test myself and figure out more about my skills. I wanted to be on my own and taste failure at the risk of not losing someone's else money but my own. I wanted to not ask someone else for a vacation. I wanted to travel and experience life. I wanted to enjoy the present. I wanted to have the liberty to take every decision related to my life. I wanted to be spontaneous and let lose myself in the uncertainties of life. 

2020. My family is proud of me. I have my own home office and luxury to work remotely. I took a good number of vacations. I have a bootstrap business and few wonderful initiatives with awesome people. I can plan my day and work hours. I can pursue a hobby. I can always work on new initiatives. I have a strong inner circle to fall back on. I dare to fail and get back again. And yeah! I am happily single too.

I am glad that I took a leap of faith and trusted my intuitions more than the blank faces around me. It's never easy to leave but it's surely tough to stay when your heart is not happy. And this should matter to all of us more than anything else. If there is something you wish to do then start it right now.

Some suggestions on How to Start:

• Take one thing that you are good at to cover up your monthly expenses. I started earning my first few dollars by writing. It gave me a sense of security of not depending on anyone else and enough time to explore new things.

• Make sure that you have paid all your loans or have enough savings to pay them off. I feel that your brain stops you from thinking freely when you have liabilities that you don't know whether you can pay off or not. I paid off my student loan and had enough money for the next six months when I left my job.

• Join a community around your goal. Be in that circle. I wanted to start my own business but had no idea how to. I started volunteering for an organization that conducted informal meet-ups for entrepreneurs.

• Ask for help. I used LinkedIn to reach out to successful entrepreneurs from my city to come and share their experiences with fellow entrepreneurs.

• Find your SUPERPOWER. I was working as a Brand and Marketing Manager and I thought that I could do something in Internet Marketing. But I realized that it will never become my forte. I figured out another niche for myself after working for almost two years on different kinds of projects.

• Always be honest and sincere with your work. Hear your heart out and trust your intuitions. They somehow know where you belong to.

Here is the last bit said by my professor to me, "Start matters; progress eventually follows."

I hope you are doing good in these tough times and getting enough time to find yourself. I found my new superpower of connecting with my tribe and I am enjoying it. To see what I am up to, do check out this.

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Stay Safe!