Now that you are married..
I've wanted to write about this for a while, but I also wanted to make sure I didn’t portray marriage in a bad way. For me, it's a bond that can grow two individuals in incredible ways. There's something truly beautiful about being loved and loving someone.
What I share in these blog posts often stems from personal experiences and my heart doesn’t feel at peace until I share it. This one is also inspired by recent conversations I've had with some women which compelled me to share my thoughts with the world. One recurring theme in these conversations was how we tend to forget our own priorities after getting married, as the needs of others take precedence over our own.
Marriage as an old-age concept has evolved considerably. While tales of women being asked to compromise still exist, some women are taking charge of what they're willing to compromise on. And when a woman starts defining boundaries then everything either turns upside down or changes this world for good. Unfortunately, setting boundaries is often seen as a girl being stubborn rather than being assertive of her needs & openly communicating them to their partner or in-laws.
We are proud daughters who wish to become better and better daughters-in-law (which we ideally should never strive for) and in this whole process, we lose who we are as ourselves. What do we want for ourselves as individuals? Most of us were raised to be accommodating, to just keep agreeing to what our elders tell us to do, and to sacrifice our needs for others' happiness. We are never taught about boundaries because setting them might mean telling our mothers-in-law to not interfere between you and your partner. But how can we say that to an elder? We're caught in a constant battle to maintain peace in our homes while fighting inner battles in our hearts—battles we often lose.
This post isn't a rant; it's my way of questioning society about the unfair expectations placed on married women.
Why is the kitchen still for women and a dinner table for all? Why isn't cooking seen as a life skill rather than a gender-based responsibility?
Why does the burden of household management always fall on women when two people make it home?
Why must a woman need a specific reason to visit her parents while a man can live with his parents indefinitely?
Why does a woman need to dress in a certain way to fit into her partner's family, while a man can comfortably walk in pyjamas at her partner's home?
Why the marriage rulebook is so extended for a woman and ends in a few bullet points for a man?
Why are women considered capable of sharing household expenses but have to seek everyone's approval for making the smallest decision about their lives?
How could a woman be supposed to comfortably live for a lifetime at her partner’s home and consider their partner's house to feel like her own from day one, while a man can comfortably avoid visiting his partner's home because it makes him uncomfortable?
How do women become capable of handling the entire household responsibility whereas the man loses all his ability even to manage himself?
And the answer the society has been comfortably giving to women folks for any of the above questions is now that you are married...
I have seen beautiful marriages where both partners have respected individual choices and supported each other. But I have also seen marriages where women were convinced to sacrifice their dreams to sustain their marriages. Aren't we done with this sati pratha? And getting it repeated in any form is a wrongdoing on our part as a woman. I'd rather straightforwardly tell my choices and be labelled as a disobedient daughter-in-law and make my parents proud of raising a daughter who won't give up on herself. I'd rather walk away from a person than lose sight of who I am.
Don't lose or keep changing yourself and let people tell you that it's a part of the process (now that you're married). It isn't and it should never be. We have all the right to make changes that we feel we need to bring in ourselves, and no one else can decide that for us. Whether married or not, I want to be in control of my life and be treated like an adult with decision-making abilities.
A woman's identity is as important as a man's, no matter whether she is married or not. The more society allows women to be themselves and make decisions freely, the more empowered they'll feel.
Let her choose for herself.