I grew up in a joint family until I turned 25. Mine is an ancestral home, and the different types of marble flooring in each room serves as a reminder of how we as a family grew. I remember how we progressed from a single-room to a connected two-room setup. The common room (the one with the exit) was more of a living room cum children's room, and the other room was study-room cum parents' bedroom. The setup changed a bit when we became a nuclear family but the very concept of sharing space as a family remained.
The reason I am writing this article is to share how we as a society perceive the concept of personal space negatively, which I wish could be changed. Most of us (specifically in the Indian context) are always taught to live together and have never been taught to enjoy personal space and time. The very idea of having another child in the family stems from this belief that a child would be better off if she/he has a company to keep. The idea of living an independent life or having me-time is often seen negatively. Often the one demanding his/her personal space is called an anti-social person or someone who is not a family person or someone who is too selfish. But do we as a society miss seeing the other dimension of personal space?
People gain so many life-skills when they are left on their own. Personal space can help children (or even an adult) in finding their hobbies, finding solutions to their problems, finding ways to handle stress in their unique ways, devising creative ways to keep themselves busy, and becoming self-dependent. Don’t you think this would eventually make them a better decision-maker, critical thinker, creative, self-supportive, problem-solver, and better at handling their stress?
I am more of a personal space seeker since my childhood that made people assume that I am an introvert person. But I always enjoyed personal space. For me, personal space doesn't always restrict to a physical space but it's more of mental space for me. Going for a walk/run offers me that personal space and so does reading a book in my room. I also realized that the time I spend with myself is the time I start seeking answers to some of the important questions of my life :
What matters to me as a person?
What are my personal goals?
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
How do I see myself?
What's my dream life look like?
And the answers helped me in growing as a person. I would have never thought about all these questions if I would have been always surrounded by family. I also feel that once you know yourself then you can always do better with others, whether it's communicating with them or living with them.
It took me a good number of years to communicate the importance of my personal space and independence to my family. I am still doing it while making my family understand that seeking a personal space doesn't mean I don't enjoy spending time with them. It's just that I am better off when I balance family time with spending some time with myself too. I am working from my home for the last 7 years and that means I am at home most of the time. My family now totally understands that my availability at home doesn't equate to my availability to them or for any household chores. Developing spaces (personal rooms, home office) has surely helped me in this process and so did the communication with my family. I am no more disturbed by any of my family members in my personal time whether I am spending it reading a book or playing the ukulele or just sitting alone in my room or watching a rom-com or working.
I seek the same understanding from my partner and his family. And I convey it very upfront which until now has turned negatively as that's how we as a society perceive the idea of someone demanding a personal space. But I know that it's a non-negotiable thing for me. Having said all this, I don't want to give the interpretation that co-existence is a wrong concept. I value the idea of co-existence, belongingness, and companionship from the bottom of my heart. But what I fear about is how we have been taught the idea of co-existence in the wrong way. The idea of waiting for someone to be available to enjoy things that we personally love doing is undeniably wrong. And so is the idea of perceiving someone as an anti-social person if they value their personal space much more than social gatherings that they can't relate themselves with.
It's important to co-exist and be there for each other but what's equally important is respecting the independence within this co-existence. It's good to have a support system (family/partner) but what's wrong is considering this support system as a hinge for a lifetime. It's good to have a partner/family to enjoy a vacation with but it's equally good to go on a solo trip to your dream destination. Isn't it?
I am always craving for your love and comments. So please keep them coming :)
Note: If you have subscribed for this blog then please add this email - thejoyfullife@substack.com to your email contacts so that the email doesn’t land up in the Promotions tab. Take care :)
Amazingly and positively framed the meaning of “ Me and my space”. It should be motivational for so many persons who are waiting for other to complete and give meaning to their life such as husband, baby, and so many rather than enjoying themselves and what they have.
The poem in the end is the jewel in the crown! Loved reading it so much